Category Archives: communication

A Hiatus for Perspective: Finding Peace

It should come as no surprise that I take time to write blogs and I say that lightly.

Well, it’s better later than never, right? Yes, it has been a while and for that I have learned so much more than the last time I allowed my mind to flow within the confines of this blog. Consistency is what people look for in a blog, a new post weekly, daily for some. I cannot promise that, but what I can promise is that with each blog that I write, time has brought me so many more lessons.

In my brief hiatus, I believe that as an individual, I have found peace. The phrase often lends itself to times that most expect to part ways with their material lives, but I feel that in life’s lessons, I have grown to accept the challenges. We are prone to worry, becoming frustrated over the unknown, our fate. I understand it completely, our minds race a hundred miles an hour and there is little we can do to prevent this. Personally, what has allowed me to be content with the hand I am dealt daily is the challenge. Challenges are at every turn and they just so happen to break up the monotony of routine in life. Routine, oh yes, many enjoy that and I do too at times, though it can be quite the bore. Naturally, we would live some stability and as we all know, routine brings about a sense of this.  As we look for our individual peace, we tend to just go through the motions. We are essentially breathing, but you cannot say that most are truly living.  The unknown fate keeps us up, it keeps us wondering; what becomes of us today, tomorrow, or in the not-so-close future. So, how can one gain the composure to find such peace?

Preparation.

Simple, right?

That’s what grants me peace to some degree. Of course we cannot prepare for every single challenge that comes our way, nor do we all deal with adversity the same, but mentally we can put ourselves on a plane that can look adversity directly in the face. Everything that we have observed or been through personally prepares us in some way or another. Yet, we panic and feel a sense of fear, even if we’ve seen the situation from afar.

In short, it is okay, but learn to embrace the experiences you’ve had, whether good or bad, they are preparing you for tomorrow.

..Until next time

Peace comes through preparation.

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Cuff Season, the unspoken season.

You see it, but you’re scared to travel down the cold path alone.

An introduction to that time of the month…well, I mean “time of the year”

I bet you’re wondering what “Cuff Season” is, but it’s quite simple. We are currently a couple of weeks into it and the craze that it brings,it is quite hilarious. Give me some time to explain and I’ll have you understanding the comedy as well haha.

You know the time of the year where it gets cold and cuddling begins to increase at a rapid rate?  – That’s only the beginning of cuff season.

Hormones are raging and people are wanting someone to call their own for the holidays. I was talking with a couple of my guys and made the statement, “people sure do go crazy over Christmas presents”. So what are YOU getting that loved one for the holidays? See, funny stuff.

  It’s quite understood that people want someone to care about them during the holidays, but if you REALLY just look and think about it, it never fails.  Take a seat in a Starbucks or walk around a crowded area, people are talking about wanting to be in a relationship and seeing all THEIR friends in relationships.

If you don’t catch yourself, you’ll get caught up in it too, but there’s always a time and place for everything. Don’t do it, RECONSIDER. Cuff Season does indeed have an ending period, where the spring/summer creeps up and people are going haywire just to get out and party again. The chains and leashes tend to loosen and fall off. People just have a tendency to want to have their options open, allowing them to be “single and ready to mingle”.  Think about it for a second.

Cuff season goes along the same lines as the flu, it’s airborne(word of mouth) and it’s contagious.  Personally, I’ve heard the “I want a boyfriend” statement so many times already and we haven’t gotten completely into the winter months yet. Everytime, I can only just give a brief sigh and continue to stay out the Black Friday-like chaos.

I’ve chosen to not even touch Cuff Season this year because all together, it’s one BIG headache. If you did indeed get a loved one this Cuff Season, I tip my hat to you because it could’ve been a relationship in the works. If you got a loved this season because you saw others doing it and felt alone, shame on you, REALLY.  As the ice melts away and the flowers begin to bloom, the egos of those who were in relationships/flings seem to get a great boost and they feel rejuvenated for the upcoming months. Cuff Season does not offer immunity shots or any remedies except for sad love songs and quick pick-me-up’s. While people are rushing to get their holiday plans in gear and purchase gifts, others are scheming on how they’ll attract someone for the holidays.  Two sides of the spectrum that seem to collide at an intersection of sorts.

Women take it a bit more serious than others and become completely upset about it, but I understand, trust me. It’s just something that’s natural and more often than not, unnoticed.  Continue on with your normally scheduled companionship rituals, just remember that it’s Cuff Season and it DOES have an end to it.

I know, I know, you knew about it all along..but I did say it was unspoken, right?

.. Until we meet again

– That Gentleman

.. Crossing over the thin line

There’s this thin line between love and hate, the border between insanity and sanity, which leads me to believe that there’s truly NO in between.

In this mild rant(organized chaos), I’m going to speak on a lot if issues and try to connect them all under one broad theme, “the thin line”.

Before I dive into this broad subject-matter, do not be offended if it does not pertain to you.

Women,  can’t live with them, can’t live without them, which is unfortunately the reality of the situation.  Men, well we’re stuck attempting to find the balance between that insanity and insanity, puzzled as to how to deal with it.

Every individual is made differently, but there are certain instances where we do fall into generalities.  Often,  we find that we get disturbed by individual flaws(granted, it’s how you perceive them).   A large majority of our generation seems to not embrace that individuality, which makes us stand out. I’ll allow myself, for this instance, to speak on the matter of women not embracing it.

I’ve been quite puzzled as to why ladies are so concerned with others that they forget who they are.  There’s a thin line between wanting to appreciate others and loving yourself.  We, as people, cannot expect others to fulfill the love that we SHOULD have for the person we see in the mirror. The increasing insecurity theme with women is in large part due to the sex crazed generation we have now.  I understand the faults of a lot of males these days in their lost touch with the idea that is chivalry.

Brief statement – Jealousy is not love.

Jealousy will not earn you anymore respect than insecurity will.

Back to what I was saying…

Many men and women are now judged by appearance, in some cases, rightfully so. By that judgement, those who do indeed judge, we are already moving entirely too quick. The idea of getting to know a person before you make a commitment has become close to extinct. Please excuse me for interjecting my own own experiences as I speak to you.

I’ve talked with ladies who felt as though me “getting to know them” was far too slow, so to speak. I had to ask myself whether it was right for me to even slow things down in the first place. After long thought, it was in my better judgement to do so. It seems as though today relationships just move extremely too quickly from the beginning, which leads to quicker failure.  I really would love see everyone’s point as to why there should be a balance of speed, but if you happened to read my blog before, you’d notice that I firmly believe that there is a severe lack of communication.  My instincts tell me to not speak with females in the sense that I’m attempting tto become their lifetime companion, but that’s just my instinct.. at the moment.

Reality does teach many lessons, day to day, and we must take from the knowledge of those days past. Understanding the problems that we face today are not as complicated as most would think, they just are not being approached correctly. So, for me to consistently come upon women who are in themselves insecure, just seems like a daily routine. Personally,  I believe that insecurity is far too vast and far too unattractive. Men are quite a bit more simple. We do have emotions, yet we often hide them behind our egos. The physical requirement in a relationship seems to overshadow the feelings that we actually have. Just being frank, it’s become too easy to gain that physical touch as compared to gaining entrance to the emotions of a love/friendship interest.

I’ll leave it at that, for now

..Until we meet again

– That Gentleman

Second Chance Relationships

I wonder how many times most of us have seen it… You know, a person gets done wrong in a relationship and they’re given a second chance.

Many times we often find that we question ourselves so much in relationships, just because we like to subconsciously nitpick. It’s quite funny when I think about it myself lol. You end up saying to yourself, “why in the hell am I allowing them a second chance”, eh? It happens to most of us. We do a lot of questionable things, that we KNOW our partner would not like, but still proceed and expect them to just get over it. I mean it’s ok you know to have faith and trust that they will forgive you, but some things just don’t deserve a second chance.

Second chances allow people to make those vital corrections, but also allow people to make the same mistakes, thus making the impact of those mistakes even harder. Granted that in many cases people need time to re-evaluate the relationship and make space, it’s can be beneficial or detrimental to give it that second shot. It could be one of those relationships that get THAT much better or it could be one of those relationships where it gets THAT much worse. Now its up for you to decide, but just go into your decision with your eyes open and aware of all impending flying objects… you do not want to be blindsided at all.

I have been on both sides of the fence and neither one is preferrable, but more often than not, that second chance opportunity presents itself. At times I wished that I could not have given second chances and at other times, I wish I was given a second chance. Life moves forward though.

Regrets are usually not the answer as well because that leaves the door open for doubts on the future and any doubt within a relationship is never a good sign.

+Communication is KEY+

We do only live once, so why not, right?

-That Gentleman

Second Chances

 

Take a look at this picture 

Sometimes we must cross bridges in order to get to our dreams and at times, it may seem scary, but everyone  has to cross a certain bridge sometime in their life.

Each day that you take a step, is another day where your footprint can be cemented in history forever.

Let’s stop and think about the title for a second, “Second Chances“. Many thoughts may have come to you when you think of second chances, but think about how many second chances YOU have gotten.

Isn’t every day that you wake up alive, a new chance at life? – Stick with me here people

Suppose yesterday was bad for you and you couldn’t wait to get that day over and move on to today, right?

The common phrase may have ran through your head, “today is better than yesterday,” because you wanted another chance to have a better day.

Now that we are more than likely on the same page, let’s get into the substance of this topic.

We all have made our mistakes and wished that we could correct them with a second chance, but many believe that you should not regret, only to learn from your mistakes. I mean that’s the way we can’t help, but to feel at times, because of the harsh reality of not being able to go back in time and correct our wrongs. In a lot of respects, the belief that we should just learn and not regret, is often the best choice we can make. I happen to be a firm believer in what you do tomorrow can overshadow what you did today and days past.  Seriously, you only live once and the time that we do have, really isn’t much help if we’re spending so much time trying to relive past mistakes and make ammends. The stress that one puts into their errors deprives from the effort that they put into their future.

You may have been in a bad situation, maybe a bad relationship, that went wrong or ended because of something you did. Well, you can apologize but the sad truth is that, it’s done and you can only become a better person for that. I will be discussing at length, “second chance relationships,” later on.  I often find others and even myself stressing the  past so much, that we tend to forget what’s ahead of us. As I always have to tell myself repeatedly, “in any efforts or goals that we set out for ourselves, everything requires patience.”

You know – “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. It didn’t fall in one single day either.

If you are at a point in your life and you feel as though nothing is going right for you, just remember that life takes patience and that tomorrow is always a new chance for you to do something great, despite what you may think.

In closing, I’m going to leave you with one of my favorite quotes.

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”  – Mother Teresa

…until we meet again

 

– That Gentleman

Ex’s, how they could damage your relationship (part 2)

QUICK RANT:

Okay, so I’ve been a little bit busy, but now I’m back to business…
I just spent hours in my email inbox. Guess that’s what I get for being away for a while, F MY LIFE =/

Today, I’m going to be talking about a topic that I’ve experienced personally that a lot of people can pretty much relate to. Last time I got into the basics of ex’s, but I’ll go a little bit deeper and more concentrated on this one. It’s another part to the DREADED “ex’s” series, but let’s get into this without further delay. 😉

One Phrase – FATAL ATTRACTION.

Well, a lot of people think it’s quite the idea to have an ex as part of their support system. I mean, in some respects, I CAN sympathize with that thought. It’s a different world today though, in which most relationships are heavily involved sexually. So, you’re asking your new boyfriend or girlfriend to be cool with you using your old cutty buddy as a “confidant”.

Really?

In some cases , it can actually be a good thing, seeing as how there ARE certain individuals with good intentions. I’m not saying that every ex has bad intentions, but a majority of the time, they aren’t staying cool with you to provide guidance. From a guy’s perspective, a lot of the reasons why he hold on to our ex’s is so that we may someday be able to go back to them, given a situation where things fall through. The feeling of having an ex that still wants you emotionally and physically is quite the feeling itself, but I digress. You may have just been in a relationship, where you didn’t quite see eye to eye, so you had to part ways. If that is the case, then I could see how you would want to remain as friends with that person. Now, let’s look at it from another angle. Let’s say you were cheated on by that guy or girl, causing you to end the relationship, but they apologized to you more than Ruben Studdard and you agreed to be friends. Doesn’t that sound a bit sketchy?

There’s a distinct difference between being “great friends” and “just friends”. You may never know if that ex wants to get back with you, so that automatically makes things a bit shady for your new love. If you continue to text/IM/MySpace/Facebook, it’s not going to look good to anyone outside of your previous relationship in ANY case.

Personally, I’ve been in the situation and it didn’t end well at all. To make the story short, I thought I could be friends with one of my ex’s and found out later that she STILL had feelings for me, knowing that I was in a relationship. She had those feelings all along and played the friends role brilliantly, only to cave in to her own heart. They say it’s hard to go in the opposite direction of where heart wants to go, right? Yeah, you may agree to be “just friends,” but in a lot of today’s situations, one of you still has feelings. Let me reiterate, I’m not saying that it isn’t a good idea to be friends with your ex’s. I’m “just” saying it’s not a good idea to be GREAT friends with your ex’s in light of your new relationship and future tension it could cause, when you say, “oh that’s my ex”.

“Oh, that’s just my ex” is what you’ll hear and the key part of that sentence that you will pull out for dissection is the word “just” lol. Why would that have to be thrown in there? For the life of me, I’m trying to figure out, but only a few logical reasons are coming to mind. The intentions your ex may have, could be good, but will they look good to your current lover? It could look completely the opposite to them, I assure you.

Take for instance the song by Trey Songz, “Can’t Help But Wait,”. He’s talking about his girl running back to her ex or vice versa, but why? I’ll tell you why, because even though you may be completely secure in your relationship, the thought of the person before you ALWAYS sits in the back of your mind. It’s in human nature to think of competition and that one person before you could possibly be your biggest competitor. In all seriousness, you could have a crazy ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, which isn’t something you would want in you or your new significant other’s life.

As soon as I thought of that idea, I thought of the movie, “A thin line between love and hate”. I’ll be sharing a little bit more of my stories, the further this series goes, so hold your judgement lol. People, you don’t any situation like that arising, so just do yourself a favor and keep the talk with your ex(s) to a minimum, it might just save you a couple of couch nights and trips to the relationship counselor in the long run 😉

READ PART 1 – HERE

… Until we meet again,

– That Gentleman

Why Do Guys Have “Options” ..

Just another rant

wilted roses

Hmm, been a way for a couple of days, sorry for the wait, we all know how things just pop up (no pun intended) lol. Well, today I’m going to be discussing a very touchy subject, but its very relevant and it could probably give people some insight.

Why guys tend to have so many “options”..yea I know, seems easy to figure out, but you’d be very suprised.

Us guys really are not that hard to understand and most are more sensitive than you would believe. We often keep many “options” when it comes to girls and relationships. You may say “oh, he’s scared of commitment” or “he just wants to have a taste of everything” , but yeah we hear you all talking about us lol.  A large majority of those guys would generally prefer having just one lady, but it get’s quite tricky.  Sometimes being scared of commitment has nothing to do with it, they might just be afraid of the power that women hold. Getting that taste of everything can be quite the task, but there’s too many ladies in the world for that and that’s only asking for trouble.

See, you got your main ladies and your side ladies…and you ask “why does he have to have more than one?”
Well, what happened was, girls have flipped the script on guys, leading us to “step our game up”.  They have really taken hold to the idea that they too can play the game, more than they ever have. Girls of today’s society make it SO easy on guys, in a sense, that it’s really tough to stick it out with one if she’s playing the game as good, if not better than the guy.  When did it become so acceptable to give up the goods, not saying that you shouldn’t at all, but when you could just wink at a lady and get some, it’s gotten quite bad lol.  I mean yeah, you want to play the game too without being called a hoe right? Well look, if you’re going to act like a hoe, then a guy is going to certainly treat you like one, that’s just being real about it. A guy’s main girl could be everything he wants in a wife and his sidechick could be everything he wants in entertainment, get my drift? Sooner or later his mind will settle down and look for “wifey” type, but for now, he’s content in balancing the two until time comes to settle down… Allow me to point this out though, the key denominator in the main girl/side girl situation is what? –> Sex.. Now look back at my statement in regards to girls giving it up.  😉

You must understand that guys LOVE a challenge, not to the point where it seems insurmountable, but to a point where its attainable after some effort. As I stated just a second ago, it isn’t much of a challenge to us anymore so the bigger challenge has become managing more than one girl. Terrible I know, but a lot of the reasoning behind it is based on the girl’s actions. You may have a girl on your roster that gives it up and one that doesn’t, I can gurantee that the one who isn’t giving it up might just be the girl who gets the guy. Different girls offer different things.  I’ll just let one of my favorite hip-hop artists Drake say it for me:

Cause It’s A Fact, If She Come To The Crib And I Get Some Ass Inside
We’ll Never Talk Again, Scary And True

WE WANT IT, BUT WE REALLY DON’T WANT IT

Simply put, when one falls through, you have another..leading back to what I said about a guy always wanting to have a lady. Yes, that could mean that we don’t have much confidence in our current relations, but that depends on your trust level from the beginning. Some guys have been burned by females, others just don’t trust them period, but it happens with females as well.

Guys try to look as masculine as possible to most, but if you are a guy, you know the deal. Several out there just love to hold the attention of females and never want to be without it, which is understandable because having a female’s attention is a great thing too! (yea that was an exclamation point haha)

If you want to be that ONLY one, you gotta prove yourself to be “only one” worthy because as I said, a lot of us don’t really trust women just for simple reasons. We tend to not show our hearts and sensitivity because we are indeed afraid to have it broken, leading us to cry our eyes out while watching ESPN highlights.

Don’t assume that just because a guy has a ton of female friends, that he’s automatically a player, he just may prefer the presence of women more-so than others. If he says he is one that keeps options, he just may want to have the opportunity to find one who he can trust and give his heart to.  It’s a double-edged sword, girls want to be the only one and so do us guys, but nobody is willing to budge because they’re scared of being burned. Once again, COMMUNICATION is a huge key to solving this puzzle. Being able to establish and understand what you want from each other will negate having to argue about it later.

Just remember that not every guy who says, “he has a roster,”  has negative intentions. He may be trying to figure out the right player to fit his system and take him to that championship.

Make it a challenge ladies, don’t be easy, but in saying that, don’t take all hope from us..  Until we meet again

-That Gentleman

Empty Words in Dating

So what does the phrase “empty words in dating” mean? Hmm, allow me to break it down for you. Well, there’s a few different ways you can go with this one, dating back to the “too much communication” or “lack in communication“.

First of, when you communicate  too much, the words that you do say lose importance because they’re stockpiling in your partner’s mind. Think about it, if I have been talking all day to you and I had something IMPORTANT to say, would it really stick out? If I’m texting, calling, etc you all day then when I really do have something that needs to be heard and remember, you may have forgotten about it when it comes time to remember it.  Sometimes we get too caught up in always knowing what each other is doing that we don’t value what it actually means to be able to communicate with someone. Hypothetically let’s say you died today, would those words of love really be remembered along with the rest of the “blah blah blah” that you spouted out? Makes ya think right? Your words could be just watered down with no importance to someone, making them EMPTY all together.

We should place abig emphasis on the words that we actually do say to each other because you never know when that person could be gone. Maybe you’re the hugging – touchy feely type, or maybe you just prefer knowing that they are “there”.  Whatever your case may be, you should always want your boyfriend or girlfriend to cherish the words you say. Time and time again, you hear that phrase “I didn’t mean it,” quite the mental trip eh? You mean to tell a person that when you do say something that they have listened to, pissed or not, that you DIDN’T MEAN IT?!?! When you speak, think about what you say before you say it, realizing the possible reactions to the words you say.

Words of emptiness, broken promises, and lies… sounds bad right?  That is because people who do speak do not place a high enough emphasis on their words to actually follow through with them. I could say “oh I’m going to change,” and my girl would listen and believe it, but it could be another line among plenty others that I’ve said to her.  Like they say “practice what you preach” and “if you say you’re going to do it, DO it”.  It’s always funny to reflect on common sayings and think, “well I’m really not practicing what I preach” lol.  If you’re going to say something to a person, mean it completely, not just half assed. If you’re listening to someone, take their words to meaning and call them out on it if they don’t “practice what they preach”. It is one of those things that you MUST do in order to progress the communication in the relationship/interaction, and we have always seen what a unstable basis of communication between two people can result in.

Personally, I place words on a higher level of importance because I am one of those people who has regretted not saying enough at some point in my life. Once, there was a time where loved ones would be anxiously awaiting a letter, a postcard, something composed of words that could describe a feeling of love. Today, we just wait on that “I love you” text, knowing that what we say in a text is quite possibly something that we can’t even say in person. How ridiculous is that? You can say it on an instant message, a Facebook/Myspace, but can’t fathom putting the words together in person. That’s about where relationships and daily interaction has progressed to. It has led to a reduction in communication as a whole, leaving me and many others with a sad feeling inside because people don’t know how to express themselves through voice, something I’ll discuss at length at the next appointed time.

Well, I guess that was my rant for today, hope you actually got something out of it..Until we meet again

-That Gentleman

Lack of Communication In Dating

What’s up people, That Gentleman checking in once again to get a tiny rant off, well BIG rant off my chest. So, as I sit here listening to music, I’m just thinking about all of the relationships where communication is little to nonexistent. Too often, you see relationships that could be mended or ended mutually with the help of a LITTLE communication, but that’s SO above people these days because they, “can have another you in a minute”. That’s a terrible line in the first place because it shows how much importance someone puts on their relationship, but i DIGRESS. Many relationships include people that have no clue as to where their significant other is emotionally and it’s quite evident by their actions, only furthering the problem. When people look back on relationships, they always say, “I wish I would’ve told them how I felt”, “I wish I could’ve said this (or that)”.. Communication, once again.

My own personal story has many stops in it and the reason I kept it moving at each one of those stops was because of that “lack in communication”, part of it even on my part. Yeah, I can give advice, but I can’t take my own, the usual irony.. right?

People in today’s society are so engaged in the physical part of a relationship, that it becomes the basis for their emotions and communication as a whole. Sex can be very detrimental to a relationship, but it can also be beneficial, IF in moderation… Isn’t it funny how in so many relationships, they can have great sex, but can’t speak openly about their emotions or even sex with each other?! SMH Today, sex is so over-abused that it’s second nature to have sex then talk after haha, sounds usual right? But why does that seem so normal? That’s because it has become socially acceptable to basically start a relationship based off a sexual encounter and I believe it is quite the tale of how our common male-female reactions work.Now I’m not saying that you can’t enjoy sex, but if you sex then talk, you’re going be bored out of your mind because you’re moving in reverse..and a car always moves slower in reverse. You can’t expect to have great sex and then have great convo, that only happens in our “perfect world”, but if you have great convo, then great sex, then you really have something. Once again I’ll reiterate this, SEX iS A BONUS, NOT A BASIS.

Men believe that there aren’t any good women out there, who aren’t whorish,kind of like an urban myth.. And women believe that there aren’t any good men out there who won’t treat them like another usual jumpoff or even be fun to kick it with. Funny but sad at the same time because there is hope out there, it’s just not readily seen, due to that “lack in communication”.

You want him to listen and he wants you to listen, but there’s one problem, you both aren’t voicing yourselves as you should be. Maybe you should take the time to sit and have a thorough conversation, just maybe. You may have been in a relationship and it ended suddenly off one misunderstanding, or it may not even have gotten there yet before it all came crashing down and your little bubble of love, burst right before your eyes. We must learn to listen to on a deeper level, not just hearing “blah blah blah,” but the actual words that are spoken the fragile place, known as the heart.

So you think I’m saying that the answer to all your problems is communication, haha you and I can only wish, but it IS a beginning I assure you. I have plenty more to say, but I don’t wanna be too lengthy so stay tuned. We all have a lot to learn and there’s no instructions, only a script, write your own story.

The problem with communication … is the illusion that it has been accomplished.

– That Gentleman