Tag Archives: dating advice

Ex’s, how they could damage your relationship (part 2)

QUICK RANT:

Okay, so I’ve been a little bit busy, but now I’m back to business…
I just spent hours in my email inbox. Guess that’s what I get for being away for a while, F MY LIFE =/

Today, I’m going to be talking about a topic that I’ve experienced personally that a lot of people can pretty much relate to. Last time I got into the basics of ex’s, but I’ll go a little bit deeper and more concentrated on this one. It’s another part to the DREADED “ex’s” series, but let’s get into this without further delay. 😉

One Phrase – FATAL ATTRACTION.

Well, a lot of people think it’s quite the idea to have an ex as part of their support system. I mean, in some respects, I CAN sympathize with that thought. It’s a different world today though, in which most relationships are heavily involved sexually. So, you’re asking your new boyfriend or girlfriend to be cool with you using your old cutty buddy as a “confidant”.

Really?

In some cases , it can actually be a good thing, seeing as how there ARE certain individuals with good intentions. I’m not saying that every ex has bad intentions, but a majority of the time, they aren’t staying cool with you to provide guidance. From a guy’s perspective, a lot of the reasons why he hold on to our ex’s is so that we may someday be able to go back to them, given a situation where things fall through. The feeling of having an ex that still wants you emotionally and physically is quite the feeling itself, but I digress. You may have just been in a relationship, where you didn’t quite see eye to eye, so you had to part ways. If that is the case, then I could see how you would want to remain as friends with that person. Now, let’s look at it from another angle. Let’s say you were cheated on by that guy or girl, causing you to end the relationship, but they apologized to you more than Ruben Studdard and you agreed to be friends. Doesn’t that sound a bit sketchy?

There’s a distinct difference between being “great friends” and “just friends”. You may never know if that ex wants to get back with you, so that automatically makes things a bit shady for your new love. If you continue to text/IM/MySpace/Facebook, it’s not going to look good to anyone outside of your previous relationship in ANY case.

Personally, I’ve been in the situation and it didn’t end well at all. To make the story short, I thought I could be friends with one of my ex’s and found out later that she STILL had feelings for me, knowing that I was in a relationship. She had those feelings all along and played the friends role brilliantly, only to cave in to her own heart. They say it’s hard to go in the opposite direction of where heart wants to go, right? Yeah, you may agree to be “just friends,” but in a lot of today’s situations, one of you still has feelings. Let me reiterate, I’m not saying that it isn’t a good idea to be friends with your ex’s. I’m “just” saying it’s not a good idea to be GREAT friends with your ex’s in light of your new relationship and future tension it could cause, when you say, “oh that’s my ex”.

“Oh, that’s just my ex” is what you’ll hear and the key part of that sentence that you will pull out for dissection is the word “just” lol. Why would that have to be thrown in there? For the life of me, I’m trying to figure out, but only a few logical reasons are coming to mind. The intentions your ex may have, could be good, but will they look good to your current lover? It could look completely the opposite to them, I assure you.

Take for instance the song by Trey Songz, “Can’t Help But Wait,”. He’s talking about his girl running back to her ex or vice versa, but why? I’ll tell you why, because even though you may be completely secure in your relationship, the thought of the person before you ALWAYS sits in the back of your mind. It’s in human nature to think of competition and that one person before you could possibly be your biggest competitor. In all seriousness, you could have a crazy ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, which isn’t something you would want in you or your new significant other’s life.

As soon as I thought of that idea, I thought of the movie, “A thin line between love and hate”. I’ll be sharing a little bit more of my stories, the further this series goes, so hold your judgement lol. People, you don’t any situation like that arising, so just do yourself a favor and keep the talk with your ex(s) to a minimum, it might just save you a couple of couch nights and trips to the relationship counselor in the long run 😉

READ PART 1 – HERE

… Until we meet again,

– That Gentleman

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Empty Words in Dating

So what does the phrase “empty words in dating” mean? Hmm, allow me to break it down for you. Well, there’s a few different ways you can go with this one, dating back to the “too much communication” or “lack in communication“.

First of, when you communicate  too much, the words that you do say lose importance because they’re stockpiling in your partner’s mind. Think about it, if I have been talking all day to you and I had something IMPORTANT to say, would it really stick out? If I’m texting, calling, etc you all day then when I really do have something that needs to be heard and remember, you may have forgotten about it when it comes time to remember it.  Sometimes we get too caught up in always knowing what each other is doing that we don’t value what it actually means to be able to communicate with someone. Hypothetically let’s say you died today, would those words of love really be remembered along with the rest of the “blah blah blah” that you spouted out? Makes ya think right? Your words could be just watered down with no importance to someone, making them EMPTY all together.

We should place abig emphasis on the words that we actually do say to each other because you never know when that person could be gone. Maybe you’re the hugging – touchy feely type, or maybe you just prefer knowing that they are “there”.  Whatever your case may be, you should always want your boyfriend or girlfriend to cherish the words you say. Time and time again, you hear that phrase “I didn’t mean it,” quite the mental trip eh? You mean to tell a person that when you do say something that they have listened to, pissed or not, that you DIDN’T MEAN IT?!?! When you speak, think about what you say before you say it, realizing the possible reactions to the words you say.

Words of emptiness, broken promises, and lies… sounds bad right?  That is because people who do speak do not place a high enough emphasis on their words to actually follow through with them. I could say “oh I’m going to change,” and my girl would listen and believe it, but it could be another line among plenty others that I’ve said to her.  Like they say “practice what you preach” and “if you say you’re going to do it, DO it”.  It’s always funny to reflect on common sayings and think, “well I’m really not practicing what I preach” lol.  If you’re going to say something to a person, mean it completely, not just half assed. If you’re listening to someone, take their words to meaning and call them out on it if they don’t “practice what they preach”. It is one of those things that you MUST do in order to progress the communication in the relationship/interaction, and we have always seen what a unstable basis of communication between two people can result in.

Personally, I place words on a higher level of importance because I am one of those people who has regretted not saying enough at some point in my life. Once, there was a time where loved ones would be anxiously awaiting a letter, a postcard, something composed of words that could describe a feeling of love. Today, we just wait on that “I love you” text, knowing that what we say in a text is quite possibly something that we can’t even say in person. How ridiculous is that? You can say it on an instant message, a Facebook/Myspace, but can’t fathom putting the words together in person. That’s about where relationships and daily interaction has progressed to. It has led to a reduction in communication as a whole, leaving me and many others with a sad feeling inside because people don’t know how to express themselves through voice, something I’ll discuss at length at the next appointed time.

Well, I guess that was my rant for today, hope you actually got something out of it..Until we meet again

-That Gentleman

Ex’s, kryptonite to a new relationship (part 1)

Current Song – “Exxes (instrumental)” – The Klasix

This first part is sponsored by – http://thekidampgreen.blogspot.com

Well I guess I’ll just let out a little rant about a topic that hits home,it’s going to be more random than anything, trust me

Anybody that has ever went through a breakup can probably get the drift on what I’m about to speak on. Ugh “ex’s” =/ Love em, Hate em, they still were in your life at SOME point in time.

Well, I’ve been through some rough breakups and all that good/bad stuff, but I always got love for my “ex’s”. They’ve helped me grow and mature mentally, something that is NOT guranteed to be a result from everyone you come in contact with. So, you may have had an ex that meant a lot too you and they could have done you wrong right, but didn’t you learn from it? Didn’t you look back on it and see your faults, even if in large, they weren’t yours? You could have been the guilty party in the relationship and you may have knocked over the house of cards. BAM! It all comes crashing down.. Life is SUPPOSED to have its learning experiences, but it seems as though people tend to think that every relationship they’re in, is suppose to work. Allow me to introduce reality into this topic..every relationship WON’T work. Hey, you could be one of those “lucky” people and just have that one magical relationship, but for the rest of us “non-magical” people, the shit hits the fan every now and then. Sometimes we can prevent it, sometimes we can’t, but it happens to the best of us. That’s why you see so many breakup songs, movies, video blogs and people are just crying all over it.

They say the best teacher is experience right? Well why can’t you learn from an ex? Even if you hate them, they still added a little bit more common sense into your mind. You might even still be cool with them and they could be a great friend, but in most situations, that isn’t the case. Break ups can be quite the monster, can’t they? Haha, it’s ridiculous how nasty they can get (pause). People’s hearts get ripped out of their chests for a brief period in time, only to find out that they had been wasting their time. Then, you have to deal with the nasty breakup spilling over into your new relationship, which is NEVER good. Your new girl/new guy, does not want to hear you whining about your ex, they’ll think you’re going to be putting them in comparison. It’s good to speak on the breakups and ex’s, but not good to dwell on them. When you allow yourself to do that, you’re allowing that bad experience veil your future with the new person, whether you like it or not. Maybe you’re wondering if your ex is “alright” or if they found someone “better” than you, but the key once again, is LEARNING.

Ex’s can torment people’s minds pretty bad and only time can heal the heart. It could make you zone out to Al Green for a couple of hours and shed quite a few tears, letting tissue become your bestfriend for a period haha. Yes, it happens to dudes too…Dude’s dwell on it more than you would think, even the egotistical ones. Trust me, I’ve seen first hand what a breakup can do to a guy or girl and it’s never good on either side, despite what common perceptions would say. Take some time out of your life today and think about an “ex”, even if it makes you shutter, and figure out what they helped you learn about yourself or life in general. For now, we can just say that the ex was some little sidenote that you had tried to whiteout, but the bottle went empty when you got halfway across the name.. “Alici– cot damn I’m out of white out!” Lol, grow from that experience, use those mistakes to grant your mind the opportunity to avoid them in the future. As I continue to write more parts to this series increases, the deeper I’ll get. Break out the tissues, you might just need them haha =/

“Everything she’d do, take a toll on my brain”

..Until we meet again

– That Gentleman

From Lack of Communication…to Too Much

Well hello again!

In my first blog about dating and relationships, I discussed how in most scenarios of today, couples do not speak enough. I’m sure its either happened to you in a relationship or it will eventually, but there is a contrast to that “lack of communication”. You CAN have too much communication in a relationship and it could bore the hell out of you and/or your partner.

Real talk, these days people got all these social networking profiles,phones, PDAs, and it just makes people that much more accessible. You see girls and guys in a relationship who actually talk to each other too much. Understand that when I say that, that I do place a high emphasis on speaking with one another because you never know when you could lose that one person, but you could also say too much to them. You don’t want to be in a relationship where you literally have nothing to say to each other when you’re in each other’s presence because you texted them all day, do you? Your significant other has your twitter/myspace/facebook/skype/etc etc and you always seem to know what each other is doing, but you feel the need to talk 24/7?
I’ve been there personally and it’s not fun at all, awkward silences suck BIG time. For a relationship to succeed you have to maintain that balance of talking too much and too little, which is not hard to do, you just have to be consistent with it. Have you ever had those days where it felt like you had a cloud over your head and thought about calling or talking to your significant other for just a second to cheer yourself up? Well, think about applying it to your relationship. The opposite end of that is that you could have been talking to that significant other all day and they really didn’t help that much, possibly adding onto the stress or not being of any help at all.

Had you maintained that balance then you’d feel that much better talking to them at that *low point* so they can uplift your spirits right(unless you’re just some big pessimistic individual lol)? You’d look forward to talking to them instead of dodging their texts/calls because we all know someone that dodges calls from their boyfriend or girlfriend haha. You’ll hear people talking about “she won’t leave me alone” or “he’s always calling me!”, funny right? Why are they saying that? It could be in large due to the fact that you may talk TOO much. Like seriously, why are you going to text ALL day and expect to have a full on conversation when you meet up? Okay, there are those exceptional instances where you’re maybe traveling and assuring safety, but you really want to make those words stand out to each other. I mean let’s be serious, you can’t REALLY run out of things to say each other, but you can make your conversations that much more dull by speaking too often about nothing.. Do I seriously need to know what you’re doing in the next 5seconds or tell you what time I’m going to be leaving the restroom? People, let’s just try to maintain that balance and keep those words that you do speak to each other, special.

Personally, I place more emphasis on words rather than physical presence because of that, making words THAT much more impacting to me, but that’s another rant that I’ll dive into at the next appointed time. 😉

Until we meet again

— That Gentleman

Broaden Your Horizons

It’s 2009. The whole “It’s (insert year here)” cliche has been beat to death, but that doesn’t make it untrue. Just keep those words in mind, though…”It’s 2009.

I was speaking to a few people about interracial relationships a while back, some of their views really ain’t politically correct, but they’re not unheard of.

“My momma said if I ever bring home a white girl she’d slap me.”
“I don’t like asians. They’re weird.”
“Date a white guy? Pffft…”

My race/ethnicity/whatever term applies doesn’t and shouldn’t really matter, but for the purposes of this message, I will say that I’m a black male. I grew up in the ‘hood, by way of Gary, IN, so I’m 100% sure you already know what my taste in females was when I was younger. I had to have me a hood chick, or a “ride or die,” as that’s what they call ’em these days. Anybody with a similar background, male or female, can relate.

Ever wonder why, though? It’s no secret. It’s your parents and environment that influences your way of thinking. Everything I said or did relationship wise was tainted by these characteristics that are common for people from ‘hoods across the nation. If you’re black, this probably sounds familiar:

– General mistrust of people of different races (mainly white people)
– Disdain for and humiliation of those who date people of other races (depending on where you’re from, latinas/latinos didn’t really count)
– Was accepted as long as the person of the other race had that loot

Sounds about right?

I was pretty much the same way, until I moved away. The years that went by helped too. I felt like life was too short to be trying to fit the status quo. Just because I’m black and I wanna date a girl that ain’t black doesn’t make me a “sell out.”

The thing is, some of you out there are basically putting yourselves into boxes because of that very reason. You’re scared of what somebody will say. The thought of your friends/family laughing at you or not approving makes you uneasy. What should you do? Shoot them the bird and march to the beat of your own damn drum…only YOU can live your life, so do it. Like I said, it’s 2009. You don’t have a reason to be scared…it’s more accepted now than it was fiddy (no typo) years ago. Live a little.

Broaden your horizons, and date an Indian, Chinese, or white dude/girl. What do you have to lose?

Beware, though…when you have different cultures clashing, you can have good and bad results. All of that’ll be covered next time I bless ya’ll with some knowledge. Now gon out there and pull one of them kinky ass Korean girls you been lookin at on campus.

-The King-

Lack of Communication In Dating

What’s up people, That Gentleman checking in once again to get a tiny rant off, well BIG rant off my chest. So, as I sit here listening to music, I’m just thinking about all of the relationships where communication is little to nonexistent. Too often, you see relationships that could be mended or ended mutually with the help of a LITTLE communication, but that’s SO above people these days because they, “can have another you in a minute”. That’s a terrible line in the first place because it shows how much importance someone puts on their relationship, but i DIGRESS. Many relationships include people that have no clue as to where their significant other is emotionally and it’s quite evident by their actions, only furthering the problem. When people look back on relationships, they always say, “I wish I would’ve told them how I felt”, “I wish I could’ve said this (or that)”.. Communication, once again.

My own personal story has many stops in it and the reason I kept it moving at each one of those stops was because of that “lack in communication”, part of it even on my part. Yeah, I can give advice, but I can’t take my own, the usual irony.. right?

People in today’s society are so engaged in the physical part of a relationship, that it becomes the basis for their emotions and communication as a whole. Sex can be very detrimental to a relationship, but it can also be beneficial, IF in moderation… Isn’t it funny how in so many relationships, they can have great sex, but can’t speak openly about their emotions or even sex with each other?! SMH Today, sex is so over-abused that it’s second nature to have sex then talk after haha, sounds usual right? But why does that seem so normal? That’s because it has become socially acceptable to basically start a relationship based off a sexual encounter and I believe it is quite the tale of how our common male-female reactions work.Now I’m not saying that you can’t enjoy sex, but if you sex then talk, you’re going be bored out of your mind because you’re moving in reverse..and a car always moves slower in reverse. You can’t expect to have great sex and then have great convo, that only happens in our “perfect world”, but if you have great convo, then great sex, then you really have something. Once again I’ll reiterate this, SEX iS A BONUS, NOT A BASIS.

Men believe that there aren’t any good women out there, who aren’t whorish,kind of like an urban myth.. And women believe that there aren’t any good men out there who won’t treat them like another usual jumpoff or even be fun to kick it with. Funny but sad at the same time because there is hope out there, it’s just not readily seen, due to that “lack in communication”.

You want him to listen and he wants you to listen, but there’s one problem, you both aren’t voicing yourselves as you should be. Maybe you should take the time to sit and have a thorough conversation, just maybe. You may have been in a relationship and it ended suddenly off one misunderstanding, or it may not even have gotten there yet before it all came crashing down and your little bubble of love, burst right before your eyes. We must learn to listen to on a deeper level, not just hearing “blah blah blah,” but the actual words that are spoken the fragile place, known as the heart.

So you think I’m saying that the answer to all your problems is communication, haha you and I can only wish, but it IS a beginning I assure you. I have plenty more to say, but I don’t wanna be too lengthy so stay tuned. We all have a lot to learn and there’s no instructions, only a script, write your own story.

The problem with communication … is the illusion that it has been accomplished.

– That Gentleman